so.

A month ago I met this guy. I was in a really bad place, my body wasn’t mine, I hated myself physically and mentally, I wanted to die, I wasn’t eating or dreaking water anymore and I was on hard drugs that could’ve killed me, but I did not give a single fuck. The moment I met him was the moment my high stopped. I was like 3 hours sober lmao. It was literally out of nowhere. I was tired of playing the usual modes I play on my favorite video game so I selected another mode in duo. It got me with him and I usually do not open my mic, cause I’m down and there’s stupid people on this game. But that one time I opened it and heard the voice of a boy who was speaking with this manificient english accent and who sounded like he was my age. I don’t know why, but the moment I heard his voice something happened in my heart. Some voice inside of me told me he was gonna be important somehow. We played the whole game talking and having fun, which was weird, because I was dead inside. Then somehow he said something that made me ask for his snap, which he would’ve usually never gave anyone, but he gave it to me. I was terrified, texted my close friend and told her I wanted to block him, cause the idea of getting attached to anyone at this moment was the worst idea ever, since I had my plan to kill myself. She told me not to, so I didn’t, but I didn’t text him either. The day after I opened my game as usual and he saw me online, so did I, but I didn’t do anything about it, so he texted me. He asked me if I wanted to play games with him and I accepted. We had fun until 10:30 pm, because I had to get off at that time as usual. After that he texted me again. We both wanted to talk, but I was really in a bad moment, so I wanted to hurt myself as usual and was crying, because I was in a ptsd crisis again. In that exact moment I was weak. He kept texting me and I never told him I was in that down, but we talked for hours and hours and eventually started talking about more personal stuff, we didn’t get a minute of sleep that night. The day after, I couldn’t play video games, so we texted and ended up talking until 6 in the morning. That night, I don’t know why, but we both opened up to each other like we never did in the past with anyone. We told each other our entire life’s story, even the not important details and the most personal stuff. We even talked about our taste in food, every single subject was in that conversation. We talked like that for hours and hours every single day. We’d wake up and text each other and not stop for a minute of the day without getting exhausted. I had to go celebrate my brother’s birthday that weekend and he had to go camping, but that didn’t stop us from talking until 5 in the morning. He knew about what my first ever kiss was and what my most recent sexual relationship was… even tho that one destroyed the shit out of me. I had panick attacks and he would never judge, all he would do is help. I cant keep writing because its 4:17 am, but I will keep writing about that and about my life. If you read this, just know I do not wanna talk to you, I just need to write somewhere.